A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've written and I guess you could say I needed time to "find myself" these past three weeks. It's been tough, it definitely has but I am a strong independent woman and I can go on with life just the way I was meant to.

I feel so inspired right now and there are a million things running through my mind right now. I've decided that in the very near future I would like to backpack through Europe. There is no time like the present; you only live once.

Dark Ages Part III

And then it hit me… the unthinkable, literally. For no reason, no reason whatsoever Trevor broke up with me yet again. I haven’t felt this painful since my second “dark age”. I drank my night away in hopes to not feel the pain of this break up but Four Loko gets the best of me like always and I’m sitting awake at five in the morning thinking about him, and my life without him. I want to die. I think of many ways of how that could happen…I drove while under the influence but I was only just a little tipsy by then. I also thought about getting into a car accident.

            I took a Xanax bar to help me fall asleep…if only I could slip into a coma when I slumber. If only, if only. My eyes aren’t even drowsy and I’m quite sure mixing a benzo with alcohol is very unsafe, but at this point I’m all about being unsafe. I’m all about my depression that has found its way back to me. I WANT TO DIE.

            It’s hitting me now, but not that fast. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I couldn’t feel this pain. I just want to be so comfortably numb. My eye lids are puffy from all the crying I’ve done the past 12 hours, and I need Trevor now more than ever. No one will understand what attracts me to him, and I feel like it’s much too late to explain myself to them. They’ll never understand what always draws me back to him. It could be his smile or the way he says “I love you”. It could be the way he cares…or cared for me and the way we’d fall asleep together comfortably in each other’s arms.

            My stomach hurts and I’m no longer hungry, nor do I have the will to do anything. My everything is gone from me and I don’t even think God knows when he’ll or if he’ll ever come back. Stay positive my mind is telling me, but it’s so hard to when the person you devoted the last two and a half years to disappears from your life just like that.

            I used to have nightmares of being pregnant, but now I kind of wish I was…just to keep him in my life. I know this sounds so utterly selfish, but I feel like I deserve to be selfish now. My eye lids are starting to close on me… goodbye.

Been a While

It feels like forever since I've written anything. I've had so much on my mind lately and sometimes I just feel like giving up, honestly. My mind is moving faster than what my body can handle, and at the same time my memory has seemed to start failing me. I don't know what to do anymore.
My two and a half year anniversary is today (technically since it's almost 4AM) and it feels so much shorter than that. So much has gone on in our relationship...so much good yet so much bad. When it comes to a certain time of the year, I think of all the bad things that had occurred rather than the good just because it seems like the bad overtook the good in most ways.
For example, the autumn months of October and November remind me of my senior year of high school and how much "fun" it was in my drama class.
The wintry months of December through February remind me of my own "dark ages" where I can not really comprehend anything but being depressed and crying almost everyday.
The spring reminds me of love, since that's when I met him...early April to be exact.
And lastly, the summer is filled with both good and bad. Good because I had never truly felt so adored in my life, and bad because that's when our first break up was.
We got through it all though, and I feel as though fate had a part in it.
Before him, I doubted that there even was a God out there...then I started praying more. To this day I question the decisions our Father has brought upon us, but at the same time I thank him for every second of them. The world works in mysterious ways...

Be Peaceful. Be Free.