Dark Ages Part III

And then it hit me… the unthinkable, literally. For no reason, no reason whatsoever Trevor broke up with me yet again. I haven’t felt this painful since my second “dark age”. I drank my night away in hopes to not feel the pain of this break up but Four Loko gets the best of me like always and I’m sitting awake at five in the morning thinking about him, and my life without him. I want to die. I think of many ways of how that could happen…I drove while under the influence but I was only just a little tipsy by then. I also thought about getting into a car accident.

            I took a Xanax bar to help me fall asleep…if only I could slip into a coma when I slumber. If only, if only. My eyes aren’t even drowsy and I’m quite sure mixing a benzo with alcohol is very unsafe, but at this point I’m all about being unsafe. I’m all about my depression that has found its way back to me. I WANT TO DIE.

            It’s hitting me now, but not that fast. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I couldn’t feel this pain. I just want to be so comfortably numb. My eye lids are puffy from all the crying I’ve done the past 12 hours, and I need Trevor now more than ever. No one will understand what attracts me to him, and I feel like it’s much too late to explain myself to them. They’ll never understand what always draws me back to him. It could be his smile or the way he says “I love you”. It could be the way he cares…or cared for me and the way we’d fall asleep together comfortably in each other’s arms.

            My stomach hurts and I’m no longer hungry, nor do I have the will to do anything. My everything is gone from me and I don’t even think God knows when he’ll or if he’ll ever come back. Stay positive my mind is telling me, but it’s so hard to when the person you devoted the last two and a half years to disappears from your life just like that.

            I used to have nightmares of being pregnant, but now I kind of wish I was…just to keep him in my life. I know this sounds so utterly selfish, but I feel like I deserve to be selfish now. My eye lids are starting to close on me… goodbye.