Lost

It's getting harder for me to fall asleep more often now than should be allowed. the Xanax doesn't help anymore, and I have no other options at the moment.

I'm coming to the end of my first semester of sophomore year here at Moravian College and I can't believe time has gone by so quickly.

REFRESH. That's exactly what I need. I want to be out with the old and in with the new. I want someone that can make me feel like it's summertime in the winter. Someone who can make me believe in myself. Someone who can care for me on my bad days, and make me laugh on my good ones. "I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." (thank you Spice Girls for making that statement).

A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've written and I guess you could say I needed time to "find myself" these past three weeks. It's been tough, it definitely has but I am a strong independent woman and I can go on with life just the way I was meant to.

I feel so inspired right now and there are a million things running through my mind right now. I've decided that in the very near future I would like to backpack through Europe. There is no time like the present; you only live once.

Dark Ages Part III

And then it hit me… the unthinkable, literally. For no reason, no reason whatsoever Trevor broke up with me yet again. I haven’t felt this painful since my second “dark age”. I drank my night away in hopes to not feel the pain of this break up but Four Loko gets the best of me like always and I’m sitting awake at five in the morning thinking about him, and my life without him. I want to die. I think of many ways of how that could happen…I drove while under the influence but I was only just a little tipsy by then. I also thought about getting into a car accident.

            I took a Xanax bar to help me fall asleep…if only I could slip into a coma when I slumber. If only, if only. My eyes aren’t even drowsy and I’m quite sure mixing a benzo with alcohol is very unsafe, but at this point I’m all about being unsafe. I’m all about my depression that has found its way back to me. I WANT TO DIE.

            It’s hitting me now, but not that fast. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I couldn’t feel this pain. I just want to be so comfortably numb. My eye lids are puffy from all the crying I’ve done the past 12 hours, and I need Trevor now more than ever. No one will understand what attracts me to him, and I feel like it’s much too late to explain myself to them. They’ll never understand what always draws me back to him. It could be his smile or the way he says “I love you”. It could be the way he cares…or cared for me and the way we’d fall asleep together comfortably in each other’s arms.

            My stomach hurts and I’m no longer hungry, nor do I have the will to do anything. My everything is gone from me and I don’t even think God knows when he’ll or if he’ll ever come back. Stay positive my mind is telling me, but it’s so hard to when the person you devoted the last two and a half years to disappears from your life just like that.

            I used to have nightmares of being pregnant, but now I kind of wish I was…just to keep him in my life. I know this sounds so utterly selfish, but I feel like I deserve to be selfish now. My eye lids are starting to close on me… goodbye.

Been a While

It feels like forever since I've written anything. I've had so much on my mind lately and sometimes I just feel like giving up, honestly. My mind is moving faster than what my body can handle, and at the same time my memory has seemed to start failing me. I don't know what to do anymore.
My two and a half year anniversary is today (technically since it's almost 4AM) and it feels so much shorter than that. So much has gone on in our relationship...so much good yet so much bad. When it comes to a certain time of the year, I think of all the bad things that had occurred rather than the good just because it seems like the bad overtook the good in most ways.
For example, the autumn months of October and November remind me of my senior year of high school and how much "fun" it was in my drama class.
The wintry months of December through February remind me of my own "dark ages" where I can not really comprehend anything but being depressed and crying almost everyday.
The spring reminds me of love, since that's when I met him...early April to be exact.
And lastly, the summer is filled with both good and bad. Good because I had never truly felt so adored in my life, and bad because that's when our first break up was.
We got through it all though, and I feel as though fate had a part in it.
Before him, I doubted that there even was a God out there...then I started praying more. To this day I question the decisions our Father has brought upon us, but at the same time I thank him for every second of them. The world works in mysterious ways...

Be Peaceful. Be Free.

20

I'm 20 today! I can't believe it, although it's raining, it's like the sun is shining on me today. I don't remember the last time I was this happy, and it might be a little vain to say it about my birthday.

Last Day

Well, today's my last day of being 19 years old and it is beautiful out for once. I can't believe how the time went by so quickly. I remember being 12 years old and telling my dad that it takes forever to be older, and he replied "Jess, the older you get, the faster time goes". I never thought he was right until about two years ago. Where did all this time go? Eh, more later.

Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Where Am I?

It's the wee hours of Friday and I'm sitting here asking myself "where did the week go?" It went by so fast on Tuesday, yet it's Friday already. What did I do? Where did I go? What happened that I can't remember?

It seems that I can't remember a lot these days, and I have no idea why. I sit awake late at night just to think about my current problems and what I can, or can not do to fix them. 

I don't remember a lot these days and still I ask myself the same question "why?". I'm feeling indifferent on what I want to do in life, and lately all my thoughts seem to take me to California, like I was meant to go there or something...like fate. Today, I was asked if I was interested in joining my college's ballet company...all the more reason to stay here. I'd love nothing more than to just dance and nothing else. I actually hate school, but so does anybody else. I'm here because of my future and the future of my children and so forth. Yes, I want to help people but what about helping myself?

They say therapists have problems of their own, and I'm starting to believe that's true, since well that's what I'm studying after all. I feel as though one needs to have problems in order to actually know what their patient is going through; so they can relate on a familiar basis of either depression, anxiety, or addiction. 

Where does the time take us, I do not know but make of it what you can so you can achieve what it is that you want most, not what you're asked of...but what you want, what you really want. 

Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Anger

I feel as though every last fiber of my being has begun to stop caring about the past and just go on with the present and the future. I'm not going to burden myself with the sadness of what had happened and I'm no longer going to waste any dread or nostalgia on it. I've said what I had to say by all means possible, and I shall try to be peaceful with myself once more.

Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Simplicity

Where can I find a place that is my own? Where can I be one with myself and not have the distractions of cars and other innovative movements? 


I was once compared to Aphrodite, but I don't see how that can be possible anymore, because I have never felt beautiful. We'll all float on. 


I would just like to cry right now. To have again would be the best thing in the world. I wish I never fucked up what I had. My mind seems to be everywhere today, and I don't know why. I took my medication today for the first time in forever and I may be having side effects from it :/ 
I'm happy and then I'm sad, what is my world coming to? If only wishes came true... oh what a world we'd live.


Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Find Me...

...Somebody to love. Have you ever felt so alone even when you have someone to hold at night? I don't know what to do anymore honestly. It's been forever since I could say that I was happy. Where is everything good in the world? Pandora's box let all the bad out on me, and let hope slip away into a place unknown....at least that's what it feels like to me :/
Eh, time to take a shower, take a xanax, meditate, and try to go to sleep.

Until then,

Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Rainy Days

It's such a tired day for me. I'm feeling so nostalgic today. I can't erase the memories from my mind. Sundays and Mondays remind me too much of what had been and every other day reminds me of it too. The urge to make communication now is heightened and I wish I could just get a clear answer to my questions. My birthday's next Wednesday and I just came to realize this last night while looking at the calender. 


I made an alternate identity...sounds crazy, I know but I was bored and fucked up Friday night and decided to buy a wig. I'm the one in grey. 


The way I'm sitting right now is making me feel awkward. It's like I'm sliding, as if I were on a slope, but I'm sitting in my bed.


My dreams lately have been so vivid and so complex that I don't know what to even make of them. The story it tells is so scary yet the reality of it all is so peaceful for some reason. 


Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Late Night Ramblings

It's so late yet so early. I just got back to school, and I'm at that stage of fatigue where you don't know if you want to fall asleep yet, or stay up a little longer. I have no idea where my mind is right now, and I can't get certain thoughts out of my head. They can be taken good...memories....or bad, like realization and hurt. I don't understand what motive people have; is everyone bipolar these days? Is that the new trend? I haven't come to understand the reason why people do the things they do, including myself. I've learned a lot these past few months that I'll end up cherishing for the rest of my life. I'll try not to make the same mistakes, although for me that seems almost down right impossible. 


Some people say that when you're about to die, they see their life flash before their eyes. Today While driving back, a truck put on their breaks suddenly. The only thing I could see was myself going through my windshield...and nothing else. It's the thought that scares me really. In all sense, I shouldn't be scared to die; it's nature at its best and at its worst. 1:11...make a wish. 


Lethargy is rushing through me now. I don't want to get up. I have to teach tomorrow afternoon and third graders are a lot to handle, especially when the best of life has given up on you. I have to observe them most of the time. When I see how they interact with one another, it's so much different from when I was in grade school. Everyone seems so cordial to each other; something that didn't happen often in my classes. 


My eyes are starting to close slowly, making it harder to type, yet so many thoughts are rushing through my mind...thoughts that occurred to me on the ride home that I wanted to talk about, but those thoughts have slipped my memory. 


I'm so cold yet I feel like I'll get too hot while sleeping. I don't like to make it too warm in here because my roommate isn't anemic like me :p was that a proper time to use "p face"? lol. Ugh why must I laugh at myself? 


Good night, good morning...


Be Peaceful. Be Free. 

Fix You

It feel as though it's been a while since I felt truly happy. I can remember a time in my life where everything felt so colorful; childhood. Now that things are changing, and time is growing faster upon me, I think now is a time where I am indecisive about almost everything. 


I just got out of work not too long ago...it's either stressful or not...never in between :/ oh welllll. the "s" on my keyboard only works when you press on it in the right spot or slam it hard. jesus christ. I wish I could write more, but I don't think this place is suitable for such creativity.. 


Maybe I'll write more when I get back to school.


Be Peaceful. Be Free.

Day One

Last night had been the first night in about a week I didn't need my Xanax to fall asleep. I started meditating again, and if felt so perfectly nice that I didn't even notice myself drifting off into a dreamland abyss. 

My dreams were nightmarish; scaring me...something that hasn't happened to me in a while. All of my friends along with my parents and a few acquaintances played roles in my dream. It's as though I was ready part from it all...seeing the ones I loved one last time.

But I woke up, reading a text from my lovely boyfriend, whom I'm so infatuated with.

I have my Peace and Justice class in an hour and I have yet to have something to eat, nor have I had my morning cigarette yet. My stomach is killing me...maybe drinking all day yesterday wasn't such a good idea. I found myself hugging the toilet for dear life after my shower this morning; my vision blurring in and out. 

On that note, I'll find some way to rid myself of this current illness.

Be Peaceful. Be Free.